Post by Mirak on Oct 21, 2005 10:30:50 GMT -6
Sakton_
Serf
Posts: 5
Date: 3:54 PM, 02/04/05
Views: 41
Quote | Reply
Poem (Give Critics)
I found comfort in darkness,
I was lost in all this sadness,
I felt once more worthless,
Wondering if I would ever find happiness,
I was trapped in this nest,
Forgotten in the nothingness,
I was condemned to feel nothing else,
All I needed was for someone to be there,
Instead I got a mask to wear,
Afraid of people who all stared,
Iwanted to reach out for someone's hand,
Hoping, Praying to see the end,
My life is a living hell,
A story I don,t want to tell.
Please be straight forward and don't sugar coat ****.
__________________
ive been paintballing since i was eleven.... ...yes Shatix it's true.... all hail the mighty sakTON.
minuraki
Nobleman/Noblewoman
Posts: 853
Date: 6:13 PM, 02/04/05
Views: 37
Quote | Reply
RE: Poem (Give Critics)
*Grabs tons of candy* I'll show you sugar coat!
Seriously, you've got a spark of talent, but don't continuosly use the same ending to the word. Poetry doesn't need to rhyme. Even if you wanted it to, most of the time the rhyming stanzas go like one of these:
1)A
B
A
B
2)A
B
B
A
3)A
A
B
B
not:
A
A
A
A
A
B
B
B
__________________
"Is it dead?"
_Beoren_
Knight
Posts: 656
Date: 3:07 AM, 02/05/05
Views: 34
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RE: Poem (Give Critics)
i haven't evem read his poem yet, but mirak, i disagree. nowadays you have alot of children who like to act deep with their poetry, and thanks to the idiotic teachings of public schools, ryhme is frowned upon if it is not structured. poetry does not have to have ANY structure at all, and if it does include some pattern, it does not have to follow it throughout, the inclusion of one element of poetry does not make any other element necessary. now, i don't comment on the meanings and words of poetry anymore, because i find myself unfairly critical. but structure means nothing to me in poetry. during one of the many "forced structure poems", as i like to call them, i completely attacked YHS's method of teaching poetry. as i do understand the different structures, i ws able to get full marks, even though my poem was off topic, and could have been taken offensively to the teacher. in poetry outside the class, stucture means very little, almost nothing. now, i don't have a problem with stuctured poets, you can use the tools you wish, and it will still be the message you wish to convey. however, i get bothered when people try to critique poetry based on meter, rhyme, or any other method of poem structures. now, if it is for an assignment, go ahead. but not any other time.
people have lost site of the point of poetry, which is expression, not necessarily structure, though it can be used. i'm irritated with myself right now, because i sond like some elitist pseudo-intellectual. so does that comment. a, and so the circle continues.
mirak, i won't say 'don't be offended', cuz this wasn't really aimed at you. just the idea. it has bothered me for a long time.
hmmm, it seems i have become much more whiny lately. please excuse me.
__________________
Gaurdsman of House Dregoth ........... "We are all immortal until the day we die." -Beoren,
minuraki
Nobleman/Noblewoman
Posts: 853
Date: 7:42 PM, 02/05/05
Views: 30
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RE: Poem (Give Critics)
I'm not sure if I fully understood what you meant in that post, but it sounds like you thought I think poetry needs rhyming. I don't think that at all, in fact, most ofthe poetry I like doesn't have rhyming. I was just saying what most people use for rhyming.
__________________
"Is it dead?"
Toki
Class 3/4 Weapon Master
Posts: 816
Date: 12:49 AM, 02/06/05
Views: 28
Quote | Reply
RE: Poem (Give Critics)
Fries weren't you the one who fell into one of those bogus published poetry thingies. Btw, how much did that book cost lol, j/k, not trying to be mean . . .much.
My suggestion, different ending words for the first few lines or separating them from the rest of the poem.
__________________
Uruk-Hai Grunt & Warhost to Loderia - Tribe of the Great Hammer
Elestirne
Nobleman/Noblewoman
Posts: 865
Date: 9:03 PM, 02/06/05
Views: 26
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RE: Poem (Give Critics)
I agree with Beoren. I am a poet and much of my poetry is not in structured rhyme-it is in free verse. It was a good poem by the way Sakton-I would be interested in reading more of your poetry.
__________________
We who must bear the ever-mounting burden of the years are all too often called 'immortals'. Yet this title is in truth false,for,though we die not-save by weapon or mischance-we live not forever. All life is doomed to fade and eventually we,like all other races,pass from the world~Elestirne Starbrowed,Lady of Taraer
_Beoren_
Knight
Posts: 656
Date: 10:05 PM, 02/06/05
Views: 23
Quote | Reply
RE: Poem (Give Critics)
mirak, ,a shorter version (and incomplete) would be that no pattern is necessary when using rhyme. also, no pattern /lock thereof is better than any other- they are all tools.
__________________
Gaurdsman of House Dregoth ........... "We are all immortal until the day we die." -Beoren,
minuraki
Nobleman/Noblewoman
Posts: 853
Date: 9:41 PM, 02/08/05
Views: 15
Quote | Reply
RE: RE: Poem (Give Critics)
quote: Originally posted by: Toki
"Fries weren't you the one who fell into one of those bogus published poetry thingies. Btw, how much did that book cost lol, j/k, not trying to be mean . . .much.
B>"
What did that have to do with anything?
__________________
"Is it dead?"
_Beoren_
Knight
Posts: 656
Date: 10:43 PM, 02/08/05
Views: 13
Quote | Reply
RE: RE: RE: Poem (Give Critics)
quote: Originally posted by: minuraki
"
What did that have to do with anything?
"
it was funny, lol
__________________
Gaurdsman of House Dregoth ........... "We are all immortal until the day we die." -Beoren,
Serf
Posts: 5
Date: 3:54 PM, 02/04/05
Views: 41
Quote | Reply
Poem (Give Critics)
I found comfort in darkness,
I was lost in all this sadness,
I felt once more worthless,
Wondering if I would ever find happiness,
I was trapped in this nest,
Forgotten in the nothingness,
I was condemned to feel nothing else,
All I needed was for someone to be there,
Instead I got a mask to wear,
Afraid of people who all stared,
Iwanted to reach out for someone's hand,
Hoping, Praying to see the end,
My life is a living hell,
A story I don,t want to tell.
Please be straight forward and don't sugar coat ****.
__________________
ive been paintballing since i was eleven.... ...yes Shatix it's true.... all hail the mighty sakTON.
minuraki
Nobleman/Noblewoman
Posts: 853
Date: 6:13 PM, 02/04/05
Views: 37
Quote | Reply
RE: Poem (Give Critics)
*Grabs tons of candy* I'll show you sugar coat!
Seriously, you've got a spark of talent, but don't continuosly use the same ending to the word. Poetry doesn't need to rhyme. Even if you wanted it to, most of the time the rhyming stanzas go like one of these:
1)A
B
A
B
2)A
B
B
A
3)A
A
B
B
not:
A
A
A
A
A
B
B
B
__________________
"Is it dead?"
_Beoren_
Knight
Posts: 656
Date: 3:07 AM, 02/05/05
Views: 34
Quote | Reply
RE: Poem (Give Critics)
i haven't evem read his poem yet, but mirak, i disagree. nowadays you have alot of children who like to act deep with their poetry, and thanks to the idiotic teachings of public schools, ryhme is frowned upon if it is not structured. poetry does not have to have ANY structure at all, and if it does include some pattern, it does not have to follow it throughout, the inclusion of one element of poetry does not make any other element necessary. now, i don't comment on the meanings and words of poetry anymore, because i find myself unfairly critical. but structure means nothing to me in poetry. during one of the many "forced structure poems", as i like to call them, i completely attacked YHS's method of teaching poetry. as i do understand the different structures, i ws able to get full marks, even though my poem was off topic, and could have been taken offensively to the teacher. in poetry outside the class, stucture means very little, almost nothing. now, i don't have a problem with stuctured poets, you can use the tools you wish, and it will still be the message you wish to convey. however, i get bothered when people try to critique poetry based on meter, rhyme, or any other method of poem structures. now, if it is for an assignment, go ahead. but not any other time.
people have lost site of the point of poetry, which is expression, not necessarily structure, though it can be used. i'm irritated with myself right now, because i sond like some elitist pseudo-intellectual. so does that comment. a, and so the circle continues.
mirak, i won't say 'don't be offended', cuz this wasn't really aimed at you. just the idea. it has bothered me for a long time.
hmmm, it seems i have become much more whiny lately. please excuse me.
__________________
Gaurdsman of House Dregoth ........... "We are all immortal until the day we die." -Beoren,
minuraki
Nobleman/Noblewoman
Posts: 853
Date: 7:42 PM, 02/05/05
Views: 30
Quote | Reply
RE: Poem (Give Critics)
I'm not sure if I fully understood what you meant in that post, but it sounds like you thought I think poetry needs rhyming. I don't think that at all, in fact, most ofthe poetry I like doesn't have rhyming. I was just saying what most people use for rhyming.
__________________
"Is it dead?"
Toki
Class 3/4 Weapon Master
Posts: 816
Date: 12:49 AM, 02/06/05
Views: 28
Quote | Reply
RE: Poem (Give Critics)
Fries weren't you the one who fell into one of those bogus published poetry thingies. Btw, how much did that book cost lol, j/k, not trying to be mean . . .much.
My suggestion, different ending words for the first few lines or separating them from the rest of the poem.
__________________
Uruk-Hai Grunt & Warhost to Loderia - Tribe of the Great Hammer
Elestirne
Nobleman/Noblewoman
Posts: 865
Date: 9:03 PM, 02/06/05
Views: 26
Quote | Reply
RE: Poem (Give Critics)
I agree with Beoren. I am a poet and much of my poetry is not in structured rhyme-it is in free verse. It was a good poem by the way Sakton-I would be interested in reading more of your poetry.
__________________
We who must bear the ever-mounting burden of the years are all too often called 'immortals'. Yet this title is in truth false,for,though we die not-save by weapon or mischance-we live not forever. All life is doomed to fade and eventually we,like all other races,pass from the world~Elestirne Starbrowed,Lady of Taraer
_Beoren_
Knight
Posts: 656
Date: 10:05 PM, 02/06/05
Views: 23
Quote | Reply
RE: Poem (Give Critics)
mirak, ,a shorter version (and incomplete) would be that no pattern is necessary when using rhyme. also, no pattern /lock thereof is better than any other- they are all tools.
__________________
Gaurdsman of House Dregoth ........... "We are all immortal until the day we die." -Beoren,
minuraki
Nobleman/Noblewoman
Posts: 853
Date: 9:41 PM, 02/08/05
Views: 15
Quote | Reply
RE: RE: Poem (Give Critics)
quote: Originally posted by: Toki
"Fries weren't you the one who fell into one of those bogus published poetry thingies. Btw, how much did that book cost lol, j/k, not trying to be mean . . .much.
B>"
What did that have to do with anything?
__________________
"Is it dead?"
_Beoren_
Knight
Posts: 656
Date: 10:43 PM, 02/08/05
Views: 13
Quote | Reply
RE: RE: RE: Poem (Give Critics)
quote: Originally posted by: minuraki
"
What did that have to do with anything?
"
it was funny, lol
__________________
Gaurdsman of House Dregoth ........... "We are all immortal until the day we die." -Beoren,